Wash your dirty mouth, Your dirty mouth, Watch your little mouth

I swear and cuss but I'm usually careful about the circumstances and surrounding when I go into 'potty mouth' mode. In the past I've tried to keep my blogging language fairly PG but I've seen that over the last few weeks a few swear words have crept in.

Sometimes I do swear in a throw-away mannor when there's a suitable word that would be an adequate alternative, but I guess this is a sign of the times that so many profanities have lost their strength and shock value (I sometimes wonder what words will replace the now common place !#{&!@&^*@, #@!@&^*@, and !*!%@&^*@

I don't do it to be big or clever but I find that only certain words can express what I'm thinking and usually these words are profanities. So in praise of these words I'm going to make my "Top Ten Swear Words". Borrowing from Slightlydrunk.com just hover over the bold words (such as !@!@-8;^*@) and the real swearwords should appear.

1.!@!@-8;^*@
2.!£24t%$^*@
3.(%^$*&(£_)
4.^**&£"$%@:
5.@:£$%**&$
6.!@!%^?!
7.?+_(%**£

You may notice that I've only got 7 words in my "Top Ten" so I'm opening the floor for comments to contribute to the list. Be as imaginative and dirty as you like, and maybe we'll start a revolution.

-----------------------------

In my web browsing I've come across a few choice swearing sites you fellow swearers may find interesting. Swearsaurus & Viz Profanisaurus

Swing when you're winning

I haven't blogged for the week and I'm a bit sad about that but to be perfectly honest I haven't had a huge amount to blog about. I've been off work for the week as I had holiday that needed using up but I haven't gone anywhere, just stayed at home. I did do a few things that I don't normally get a chance to do although they're not very exciting.

On tuesday I played golf. My local golf course is pay-and-play so there's no membership needed which is good as I only play golf around 6 times a year. The course is divided into two 9-hole sections and I usually just do 9 holes but this time I did the whole 18 with Jonny and Pub Tom. In the end we were out for about 4 hours (with a pint halfway through) and the weather was fantastic. It took a few holes to get my swing back and in the end I was happy with my tee shots and my putting but my middle game was absolutely dreadful. Practice makes perfect but at the end of the day it's only a game and I don't have to be perfect at it (luckily my friends are as crap as me too!)

On Wednesday daytime I went ten-pin bowling which was fun too, although there were loads of kids around. I played 3 games with Jonny (who has taken the week off work for the same reasons), and won the 1st game with a 150 score, but then lost the next 2 games with scores of only 99 each time. I must say I'm not crap and I played the first game properly but for the 2nd and 3rd games I used my spin technique which is basically showboating and very aesthetically pleasing. I get the ball to swing out to the gutter, straddle the lane, and then swing back in. I enjoy this style immensly, and so did the group of german teenagers in the next lane, who were in awe of my flair bowling. That said though, I did lose the 2nd and 3rd games, but as I previously said, it's only a game.

So an eventful week is nearly over and I'll be back to work soon after the weekend. exciting eh?

We're all going on a summer holiday

I've won something!!

Lord Bargain is going away somewhere for his hols, and challenged us to guess where he was going for the prize of a specially made compilation CD (this prize was suggested by Swiss Toni).

LB is going to Toronto in fact, and the 2 nearest guesses were Guantanamo Bay (my guess) and New Orleans (by Spinsterwitch).

I must admit I wasn't taking it too seriously when I said Guantanamo Bay, but hey I'm sure to get a cracking CD for my efforts.

Will Tiffany be on it though??? I Wonder?

Roll up, roll up for the mystery tour

Some of you may know that I play for a local Sunday League football club, Preston Hellings F.C., well this weekend we went away for our annual 'tour'. Previous years have included trips to Brighton, Calais, Somerset, and Shrewsbury, to name a few, and this year I volunteered to help organise it.

The 'tour' is basically the chance for everyone to get away for a weekend, sometimes play a game of footy, but definately to get pissed, think of it as La Manga circa 1996, avec Gazza. After consulting the players it was decided that we should go camping somewhere in the south of England, and so I set out to find a campsite that would accomodate a group of 13 men. This is where the trouble started.

It appears that there are hardly any campsites that will take on single-sex groups, or even just large groups, damn! After ringing-up or emailing all the campsites in Bognor Regis, Chichester, Southsea areas plus a few others dotted around that could actually boast being near anywhere that we could have fun, we turned to sites nearer the Ringwood area, as our Goalkeepers missus is from that area. It was looking pretty bad as this time, but luckily last Tueday, Dean (Goalie) managed to find a campsite that would accomodate us!

The campsite in question was actually attached to a pub called the 'Sir Walter Tyrrell', a bonus, but it was miles away from anywhere else, so we would have to make our own entertainment, but at east we were getting away. phew.

Everything seemed to slot into place for the weekend, and I must say that I had an excellent time. It could've ended up completely different with everyone getting bored out of their skin, but fate helped us in that it seemed we'd booked in when a busy weekend had been planned by the campsite owners. Karaoke had been organised for the Saturday night, which involved everyone's names getting jotted down to sing various random songs (I was lucky enough to have the female part in 'Time of My Live'), and we drank a lot as we had all put a fair bit into the kitty. A good evening by all, but not the end, for the next day was the 'Rustic Games'!

The team by the Rufus Stone

The Pub had arranged the rustic games, along with various stalls, whack the rat (a sexual euphemism no doubt), a hog-roast, raffle, and tombola, etc. We entered 2 teams of 6 people, Preston Farmers Phats and Preston Farmers Smalls (we had previously convinced them that the F.C. stood for farmers club, as our club crest has a tractor on it), which divided the club members depending on their weight.

The events were: Welly Throwing, Horseshoe tossing, bobbing for apples, egg catching, and the infamous Tug of War.

We all put up a good show, even winning the prestigious Tug of War (Phats), but were beaten into 2nd place. After the awards ceremony we made our way back to civilisation, but had made a good impression because the Landlady invited us back next year, along with the promise of a game of footy against a local team.

I've now got the rest of the week off, but have got nothing planned, so I'm gonna spend the day fixing an old computer, checking up on people's blogs, and doing nothing too exhausting.

Does everyone have a different take? Are you just cool and I'm just baked?

I finally caved in a got the James Blunt Album 'Back to Bedlam'. It has been at Numero Uno in the charts for a while now so it must be good........mustn't it?

A complete and utter blunt??

First Listen...
Well I've listened to it now, all 10 tracks, and it's quite good, although there is something nagging at me that I feel like I've heard a few of the songs before, not that they're rip-offs but some of the soings are a bit same-ish. I can't quite put my finger on it but if you've heard it you might know what I mean.

A while later....
Ok, I've listened to it a bit more, and actually listened to the lyrics, and I must admit that some of the songs do do it for me, and I think it's one of those ones that I 'll listen to when I'm a little lonely and want a few songs to wallow in.

I couldn't do better myself though so I'll stop now.

Got any comments on it???

Brando, "The King and I", And "The Catcher in the Rye"

Well I did my little bit for the environment, I made fire! I've got loads of weeds, bramble bushes etc in the back garden and a lot of this got dug-up or cut back at the weekend, but I was left with a lot of crap. We do have a green collection by the council every other Friday but I had way too much.
So I got it all and burnt it!!!! ha ha ha, I did it responsibly though in a garden incinerator and even got this nice picture by taking a picture of one of the air vents with my camera in macro mode.

I think nature paid me back though because I've got a horrible cold now and am steadily running out of tissues......

What else should I be, All apologies

Jean Charles De Menezes, dressed in casual denim, left his flat, got on a bus to Stockwell tube station, bought a ticket, picked up a free copy of Metro, ran to get on the tube, sat down, and was then shot 7 times......

more info here from ITV News

If you but this record your life will be better

I've just listened to.....

Hot Hot Heat - Elevator

and

Ben Folds - Songs for Silverman

very good indeed.

Watching the people get lairy, is not very pretty I tell thee

All the talk lately has been about the new revised licensing act and how this will spell the end of Britain as we know it. I'm caught in two minds about it and often the argument is that if we lengthen hours people will come out a different times, go home at different times, and as their drinking will be spread out then they won't binge drink. I don't think I really agree with this because I know what British drinkers are like (i've worked in pubs for over 5 years).
Another thing is that the Pubs have had to apply for what hours they want and actually most of the pubs in my area have applied for licenses of 7am till 1pm. They are only going to use the 1am extension on Fridays and Saturdays, and will only use the 7am for special occasions, usually sporting occasions such, which could've been useful for the 2002 World Cup in Japan, or the Lions tour in New Zealand. For the rest of the time they will stick to normal (11am-11pm) hours, because who wants to work late at night?

What does this mean? It means that everyone is still going to be leaving the pub at the same time, except maybe drunker! I suppose the only real way to avoid this would be to actually introduce 24 hour drinking, whereby there is no opening or closing, but this was on offer to all licensed premises and hardly anyone took it up.

Now I was reading an interesting article in the Observer on Sunday which basically compared the French way of drinking to our way of drinking and commented that our current culture in Britain is that of drinking to get drunk, whereby the French drink to complement their meals, to relax, and to indulge in philosophical debates. Maybe this view of the French way of life is slightly off but you have to admit that the fact that I am talking about this and ways to make people behave themselves shows that we, as a collective, have a drinking problem.

Because I haven't been drinking much beer lately, I've found I can get a bit pissed quite quickly but I've lately been switching onto soft drinks when I think I've had enough. I have in the past gotten completely mashed (many times) and embarrassed myself by my complete lack of control, incohherent slurring, incomprehensible flirting, and uncontrollable hurling! I don't do this anymore (much) but I know that when I go out with a group of lads I'll get back onto the pints and do stupid things.

On Saturday I was going around to Tom and Nikki's for a BBQ and I decided to instead take a nice bottle of Rose wine instead of the usual crate (Portugese Rose Table Wine, selected by Asda, £2.54!). My decision for this was that I fancied something crisp, refreshing, and not at all bloating, and I also had a football match at 10:30am on the Sunday. I must say that I thouroughly enjoyed myself and liked the wine too. I did finish a bottle by myself but when you compare that to the amount of beer I would've drunk then I think I did quite well.

If I knew the answer to the problem of binge culture then all would be Kool and the Gang, but I don't. There has to be a culture shift and view drinking alcohol as something that must be done responsibly, but shouldn't be taboo. Maybe if wine was introduced to the dinner table when we're in our early teens then we wouldn't see young urchins in the park supping on cheap cider?

I hope I given you some food drink for thought on a very tricky subject, ..... now I'm off to get pissed on some Super Strength Lager and harrass some old people.

MacDonalds, MacDonalds. Kentucky Fried Chicken and a Pizza Rut

I'm working at the pub again today, this time from 3pm-7pm, and then I'm off out to the last night of Broadstairs Folk Week. To satisfy my ample food requirements I decided to go to Pizza Hut after I had finished my other job, and indulge in the Buffet Lunch which is basically an ' Eat as much as you want' offer. This would mean that I will gorge myself on pizza now, and then I won't be hungry for the rest of the day....brilliant.

Now the thing is that everytime I've been in the Pizza Hut restaurant there's only been girls working there (usually 17-19 year olds). This is not a problem except a previous time I went there with 3 mates and I came up with a Porno scenario for a film called 'Pizza Rut'. All the usual cliches came up (pun intended) and it means that everytime I go into Pizza Hut the same thoughts come into my head. I know this is typical for you guys out there, I usually rate every woman of whether I'd sleep with her or not! I know it sounds terrible and degrades women to mere sexual objects but it's a primal instinct that all men have (plus I'm not getting any!).

So now I'm a sexual deviant as soon as I enter Pizza Hut. Not physically but mentally ,and it puts me off my food! So there's the problem, not a great one, but one nevertheless. I bet they keep the ugly ones in the kitchen!

MMM I bet they're looking forward to the 'Meat Feast'!

Someone said give peace a chance. And, that's all that we're saying while we're sitting on the fence

I've just got home from work at the pub, doing a 4pm-9pm shift to get a bit of extra pocket money, and something really pissed me off today.

I was behind the bar and I wandered into a conversation several of the locals were having, well one of the locals was giving his view, and a couple of others were listening and nodding their heads. I normally think people are entitled to their views and if they say stuff I normally don't agree with then I usually let them have their say and think to myself that they're a bit ignorant but they're allowed their free speech.

This may sound a bit arrogant coming from me that I believe that my view is normally right, but in many instances I am! The subject of this conversation was Muslims in Britain. Quite topical I think you'll agree, and something that could provide a heated debate, but from a group of un-educated, Sun-reading, xenophobes I think you can guess what the primary arguments were.

They were going on about 'Muslims' on the dole and getting thousands in benefits, when many Brits were getting nothing. They argued that we shouldn't allow mosques to be built in England as Church's wouldn't be allowed to be built in the Middle-East (do they not remember where Christianity was founded?). And the final insult was that he said he'd like to go around with all people that felt the same as him, and blow up all the Muslims! I was shocked and appalled. IGNORANT LITTLE CUNTS! (pardon my French)

As I said previously, I'd normally allow them their views but in this case, on something close to my heart, I had to step in. I told them they couldn't just generalise all foreigners under the tile of 'Muslims', and that their views were completely wrong. Not all Muslims are suicide bombers, or benefit cheats, or pledge allegiance to Satan. They said that Muslims hated Christianity and would do anything to destroy 'our way of life'. I said that Muslims were nothing other than normal people who have a few different beliefs but generally believe in many of the same things as Christianity. This guy, we'll call him Frank (because that's his name), couldn't understand my point of view and told me in no lesser terms 'to fuck off if that's what you believe', what a tosser. In fact I was happy to and couldn't stand to be in his company anymore.

I have a BA in Study of Religions, an A-level in Religious Studies, and I'm also half Turkish-Cypriot and half English, meaning that I know a fair bit about Religion, both Christianity and Islam, along with many other religions, and the social aspects surrounding them and their history. In other words 'I know my shit' which means that I hate ignorant people that don't. Well actually I can understand some people's ignorance and where it stems from but when they won't accept there is another way, then it really gets my goat up.

For those of you who don't know much about Islam then here are six basic believes shared by all Muslims:

1. Belief in God, the one and only one worthy of all worship (Just like Christianity)
   
2. Belief in all the Prophets and Messengers (sent by God, including Adam, Abraham, Moses, and Jesus, not forgetting Muhammad).
3. Belief in the Books sent by God.
4. Belief in the Angels.
5. Belief in the Day of Judgment (Qiyamah) and in the Resurrection.
6. Belief in Destiny (Fate) (Qadaa and Qadar in Arabic). (Note that this does not mean one is predetermined to act or live a certain life. God has given the free will to do and make decisions.)

It doesn't sound too different for Christianity does it?

I believe that our multicultural Britain is a better place due to the immigrants in it, who have been arriving for many years. I love it that people want to come to our country.... we must be doing something right. I also love it that we have freedom to pursue anything we want to. Although I'm English I do feel an affinity with the 'Islamic' countries and I suppose my heritage has meant that I've tried to educate myself to learn more about the world and it's cultures and that all societies and lifestyles are equally valid as long as it's members and citizens are treated well and are free to purse other options if they want to.

I don't agree with suicide bombers, or terrorism, and have been stunned by recent wave of attacks in Britain by people who are trying to change 'our' way of life, a place I'm quite happy in. But is this any different from us invading a country and trying to force our way upon them? I know Saddam Hussein was a tyrant who didn't treat his people well and that many were abused by him and wished to overturn him, but does this mean that they should all want to live a way of life like ours, a life with democracy?

I can't answer that last question but to reiterate a previous point all lifestyles and societies are equally valid as long as it's members and citizens are treated well, are free to purse other options if they want to, and don't try to impose their way of life on other societies.

That's the end of my little rant, but please try to educate yourselves about your surroundings and the world you live in. It's a much smaller place than it used to be and you're bound to rub shoulders with groups you wouldn't normally meet.

FUCKERS!

FUCKERS!

I'd just writen a long post and there was an electricity surge which turned the PC off! and the Recover Post thingy didn't work!

FUCKERS!

It's oh so quiet

It's oh so still,
You're all alone,
And so peaceful until......

Bugger all happens.....B-O-R-I-N-G!

I've just not been up to blogging lately, but don't worry I've still been reading blogs and posting comments.

I've got something to put in you

I did not, I repeat, I did not go to Gay Pride! It occured to me that at the end of the last post I wrote "I'm off to Brighton tomorrow, so I'll blog over the weekend". It didn't occur to me until yesterday when I was travelling down that it was the Gay Pride march today, and I had told loads of people that I was going down to Brighton for the weekend. I can imagine them all thinking "that solves quite a few questions, he always did have good taste, and was always first to put YMCA on the jukebox".

I was only there to see Ollie Hodder (my friend Andy's brother) play on Brighton beach as part of the Lee Sounds Unsigned tour (from the people that make jeans) which has been showcasing the best unsigned talent. He got the chance to play after sending in a demo and if all goes well he could be playing at the Leeds Festival.

I'm really tired now as I stayed in a hostel and there was a women in the room who snored constantly, so here's a brief account of my day.
-Got to Brighton
-Saw Ollie play on the beach
-Went to the pier, almost sure I got a haemorrage from the mental waltzer, but I did win some toys on the sideshows (I'm honestly not gay).
-Had some drinks
-Went back to the pier, no haemorrage this time.
-Had some more drinks
-Saw TTP play at the Casablanca Club
-Went to bed.
-Got woken up by snoring woman
-Went to sleep
-Got woken up by snoring woman
-Went to sleep
-Got woken up by snoring woman
-Went to sleep
-Got woken up by snoring woman
-Went to sleep
-Got up and went to swimming pool and had a swim and a shower.
-Left Brighton

I did have a good time there but left this morning around 11am and so avoided the March and could leave Brighton fairly quickly avoiding all traffic.

I've just been to Broadstairs because it's the first day of the Folk Festival, but for a change I didn't drink and instead drove there.

I'm off to sleep now as I'm still tired and I've a footy friendly tomorrow. If we do well then I'll tell you about it, if we do shit then you'll hear no more about it.

Laters.

I just don't know what to do with myself

I must say there's not really much going on. As some of you may know I do 2 part-time jobs, one is at a University, one is at a pub. I've been quite busy at the Uni job as it's only 6 weeks till the freshers arrive and I'm trying to sort out loads of stuff before they arrive. On the other hand I'm not really doing much at the Pub. Shifts are on a rota so can vary from week to week, and for the next few weeks I'm virtually doing bugger all there, as I've only put down for a few shifts. I do enjoy working there but sometimes when I get my wages I wonder if it's really worth it. At that job I'm on minimum wage, £4.85 an hour, and I think to myself "is worth working a whole evening and getting £20?" I'd rather have some time to myself.

So now I've got some more time to myself and there's a few web-projects that I've been meaning to do but haven't got around to, but still they elude me. Instead I'm enjoying watching TV, playing on Football Manager 2005, and generally not doing anything constructive. I have got a few things planned but nothing life-changing.

The sunday league team I play for have got their first friendly on Sunday which I'm looking forward to but I'm sure we'll lose as we're all out of shape and quite a few of the team are injured, but it'll be good to get back into punting a ball around with a hangover. Incidently the club website is one of those web-projects I was talking about. I've been working with my friend Chris to create a database so that all stats can be filtered into the site and all pages will update after the previous match info has been input, but we've both been lazy on that and so I hope we can get it done before the season starts.

I've also been trying to organise a club weekend away. Last year it was Somerset, the year before Brighton, the year before that France, and this year it looks like we'll be going to brilliant Bognor Regis. I couldn't arrange a game there so instead we'll be camping and going out and experiencng all that Bognor has to offer (I'm going to enjoy going to Shieks Nightclub, now called Club Vision, as I enjoyed many a student night there) . It may actually be good that we haven't got a game as last year we were clubbing to around 3am and had a game at 10am, Paul Merson eat your heart out.

In a response to Lord Bargain's last post I think I'll try and come up with a more cerebrally enhancing post next time, something to educate and cause debate.

I'm off to Brighton tomorrow, so I'll blog over the weekend.

Nicotine, Valium, Vicodin, Marijuana, Ecstasy and Alcohol* C-C-C-C-C Cocaine

It's been a quite uneventful weekend as I've had friday and monday off work to make a long weekend. Nothing new to report except that I drank too much vodka on Saturday night and had a hangover all day on Sunday leaving me feeling like Nic Cage in Leaving Las Vegas. I drank 3/4 of a litre bottle of Stolichnaya by myself whilst I was around Dan's, felt okay that night, but the next day was terrible. I felt better by 8pm and Tom came around and we played on Pro Evo for about 3 hours and I ate about 5 Breakaway Bars.
p>
TTFN

*I only had this, by the way.